Good Communication Despite Hormonal Chaos and a Brain Under Construction

Good communication despite hormonal chaos and a brain under construction

Many articles about teenagers paint a gloomy picture of stormy times in families and emphasize all the terrible things teenagers get up to. That isn’t encouraging for parents, or for teenagers who might happen to pick up what their parents are reading about parenting.

Claudia and I had a defining experience shortly before our oldest children reached puberty. We didn’t exactly get a lot of encouraging words from the people around us. The harshest line we heard when others saw our pack of kids was: “Just you wait. Little kids, little worries; big kids, big worries!”

And since our oldest came as a package of three (twins and a slightly older girl), we were genuinely worried about the future. “Salvation” came in the form of an American pastor who, seeing our big family, put his arm around my shoulders and said (I’m paraphrasing):

“Eberhard, look forward to the time when your kids are teenagers. Having big kids can be something truly wonderful!”

No one had ever said anything like that to us. It broke through the fortress of negative thoughts we had built and gave us courage for the future. Especially when things got really rough now and then, we held on to this saying. This encouragement has carried us through 25 years of raising teenagers so far! And we want to pass it on to you, too! And to the teenagers who happen to be reading along, we want to say: You’re amazing! Real treasures! Look forward to growing up!

Hormones going haywire

I hope teenagers can take the expressions “hormonal chaos” and “brain under construction” with a sense of humor, too. Parents and teenagers should know these two processes in the body well, so that communication can keep working and verbal slips aren’t taken too personally.

Puberty, as we know, is triggered by hormones. The so-called gonadotropins set the processes in the body in motion. Estrogen and testosterone are produced in the pituitary gland and make the sex glands grow. During puberty, estrogens predominate in girls and testosterone in boys. So much for the theory. But what happens in practice? The physical changes, such as growth spurts, body hair and the development of the sex organs, are common knowledge and plain to see. What parents, and teenagers too, are less likely to know is that these very hormones also affect their emotional life: sudden mood swings from highs to lows, insecurity, doubt, anxiety and even depression and, in some, an unstoppable urge for freedom.

You make the same joke as a few days earlier, and your child runs out of the room in tears, even though they laughed the last time. Or they sit at the dinner table totally depressed, lock themselves in their room or let their moods out at full volume. Admittedly, all of this is hard for ordinary parents to handle.

But don’t think your child enjoys it: they’re just as alarmed by what’s happening inside them, and sometimes they’re deeply unhappy.

Being able to understand now that it was the hormones going haywire can bring relief to both sides. Mothers should be able to understand the hormonal chaos even better than fathers, because the same hormones are at work during a menstrual cycle, and women often struggle with mood swings during that time, too.

You have to learn to deal with it! During some of my teenage children’s emotional outbursts, I always told myself:

“Just don’t take it personally. It’s only the hormones!”

That helped me stay calmer and not react by getting offended right away. On the other hand, none of this means a teenager can constantly “run wild.” No, respectful manners are still important. But with this knowledge, teenagers and parents alike can gain a greater understanding of each other and maybe get to an “I’m sorry” or an “I understand you and love you anyway” more quickly.

A brain under construction

But hormonal chaos isn’t the only thing that can get in the way of communication between parents and teenagers. There’s also the construction site in the brain. Puberty also sets off a restructuring of the brain as nerve connections are rebuilt. Scientists used to think the brain was a finished product by age 12. But today, magnetic resonance imaging (MRI) makes the structural changes in the brain visible. And the scans show that a great deal is still on the move, especially during puberty, and that major structural changes are taking place.

Parents are sometimes baffled by biting criticism, a love of arguing that seems irrational, or thinking that looks illogical to them. School performance goes up and down, too. Knowing that this comes from the construction site in the brain can, once again, lead to a better understanding of each other and greater tolerance.

Keep talking with each other

Parents and teenagers who know nothing about hormonal changes and the restructuring of the brain in puberty really have it rough. No wonder people lose their cool, yell at each other, brood in silence for days and feel completely misunderstood and alone.

But if parents, and teenagers too, know how these things are connected and take them into account generously when someone slips up, then there really is hope that you can keep talking with each other.

Take a look at the following complaints from teenagers from their point of view. The complaints come from a survey of more than 800 teenagers. In their words, parents

• give stock answers too quickly.
• get angry when their kids don’t immediately go along with what they want.
• interrupt.
• give the impression that they’re too busy or too worried.
• talk too long without giving their kid a chance to speak.
• are too wrapped up in their own thoughts and feelings.
• don’t ask questions.
• don’t want to know what teenagers really think
• and don’t understand their feelings.

In the survey, more than 70 percent of the teenagers complained that their parents yell at them. Given the circumstances, it’s understandable that teenagers feel this way.

Set clear goals

Now that you’ve looked behind the scenes of the communication drama, what will you resolve to do? Maybe some of the following?

• I want to stop taking my child’s emotional outbursts so personally. I know it’s mainly the hormones and not an attack on my authority.
• That doesn’t mean I let everything slide. But when I have to correct my child, I’ll still hug them and say, “I love you.”
• I want to learn to keep my emotions under control and not lose it and yell at my child. Whenever a discussion gets out of hand, I’ll remember the construction site in the brain. That means:
• I want to listen without interrupting (even if what I hear sounds impossible).
• I want to speak calmly without raising my voice.
• I want to respect my child’s opinion and let it stand (careful with stock answers).
• I want to really know what my child thinks and feels.
• I want to avoid giving the impression that I have no time.

Control your emotions

What alarmed me was this: when asked what they thought was their parents’ biggest mistake, more than two-thirds of the teenagers surveyed said, “Before they listen and try to understand me, they start yelling, and everything gets even worse.”

Every parent “loses it” at some point and starts yelling. As long as it only happens occasionally and you can apologize, it isn’t a disaster.

To maintain a natural, warm relationship and keep talking with your child, you need to keep yourself in check as much as you possibly can and control your outbursts of anger. I’m stressing this so strongly because frequent overreactions damage a relationship in several ways:

• You push your child away and make it hard for them to come to you when they need to recharge their “soul battery.”
• You lose respect: a very natural reaction to someone who can’t control themselves.
• Your child may prefer to turn to others, and you’re no longer as important.

Surely you don’t want any of that!

Think back over the last few weeks and answer this question for yourself: “In what situations do I lose my temper? What are the triggers that make me blow up?”

If you can see clearly when you react without self-control, you’ll be better able to change your destructive pattern of behavior:

• If you sense that you’re losing control, postpone the conversation you were about to have.
• Always assume the best as long as you don’t know exactly what happened. And before you let loose, give your child a chance to speak.
• Stay calm! If it helps, say, “Look, this whole thing really upsets me, but I want to stay calm and hear what you were thinking.”
• If everything gets to be too much, keep your mouth firmly shut and, if possible, leave it to your partner to sort things out.