“You can assume that your teenager is constantly working on answering three big questions in life: Who am I? Where do I belong? Where am I going?” Kara Powell, professor of youth and family ministry at the Fuller Youth Institute (FYI) in California, has found that you get much further with these three questions in mind than with conventional wisdom about dealing with teenagers. Kara recently talked with Carey Nieuwhof on his Leadership Podcast about why Gen Z is deconstructing its faith and leaving the church, how to fight the poison of social media, and what the next generation wishes the church would stop doing, and start doing. Her first complaint: today’s churches are always quick to give answers, but to questions the young people don’t even have.
Here are my findings for you:
Be curious, not all-knowing
The first step, according to Kara Powell, is to take an open and curious posture toward teenagers. Instead of reacting immediately with answers, it’s important to search for answers together with your child and encourage the process of self-reflection. Adults should express interest in the child’s questions and doubts and encourage them to express their thoughts and feelings. Kara points out that Jesus didn’t actually answer that many questions; above all, he asked questions back. Jesus made few statements in personal conversations. In that sense, he was already operating at the level of a modern psychotherapist back in biblical times! Alongside his therapist job, Jesus was also a first-class rebel: the all-knowing answers of the religious elite of his day got on his nerves enormously, and he tried to dismantle every superfluous and false tradition and belief he could. Jesus, the inventor of deconstruction?!?
Keep the conversation going
Communication is key. Parents who regularly make time for open conversations in which they talk with their kids build a supportive and trusting relationship with them. When parents keep the conversation going and are ready to talk with their teens even at inconvenient times, their child will feel safe sharing their thoughts and questions. Ask other parents how they have created times of connection with their teenagers, and learn from them.
Help them in their search for belonging
According to Kara Powell, excessive smartphone use can be a sign that your child is searching for belonging. Unfortunately, it’s a pretty bad idea to try to gain a sense of belonging through social media when you’re comparing your most passive, weakest self (alone, doing nothing, sitting on the couch) with the best self that others project on social media. That can be very unhealthy. It’s no coincidence that rising rates of depression and suicide correlate with rising smartphone use and less real-life contact among teenagers. So: limit it! Well, forbidding things is something we mean parents are good at. But how can you help your child not only limit their smartphone use, but satisfy their need for belonging elsewhere? In other words, how can the alternatives be orchestrated? Many teenagers need someone to help them nurture friendships, get active and take the plunge into a sports club, a camp or a festival. Maybe you can provide the spark?
Searching for answers together
When big questions come up that challenge faith, for example about inconsistencies in the Bible, it’s important not to react immediately with (improvised) knowledge, but to search for answers together. In the age of YouTube and Google, you don’t have to explain to any teenager that sometimes you need help to understand God better.
On the contrary, parents can make researching together a habit and see themselves as fellow learners.
Even with math homework, we parents have to get back into it first before we can help our kids (uh, at least I do). Also give your child the chance to talk with theologically knowledgeable people or to research together to explore different perspectives.
The importance of relationships
A supportive community is crucial here. It really does take “the whole village.” Because we can know all we want about what is good for us, how we should best behave, and so on: if we don’t have friends and acquaintances who treat us with grace, who are gracious toward us, who encourage and admonish us, confront us and forgive us, then we break down inside. The family of faith is truly needed. Try to make sure your child is surrounded by loving and understanding people who can stand by them on their spiritual journey. You didn’t have spiritual fathers or mothers in your own youth, but you wish you had? Maybe you can identify and “recruit” someone for your teenager, someone who wouldn’t think of taking on that role for the young generation on their own. This can help your child feel accepted and supported while they explore and develop their faith.
Keep your priorities in view
A lot of communication at home is about time management and consists of emergency talk: the gym bag that urgently needs to be found; the meal that isn’t ready in time to satisfy a ravenous appetite; the homework that still hasn’t been done; the test that only comes to mind the evening before; the bed you should have been in half an hour ago; the church service you’re running late for. Jesus never really seemed stressed for time. He had somehow figured out how to raise someone from the dead when he was late for the ordinary miracle. How do we as a family manage not to be ruled by time (and money), but to glide over into God’s kingdom with its very own priorities?
In a world marked by lack of time and stress, it’s important to keep your priorities in view.
Create room for shared activities, spiritual input and times of rest to find the balance between time management and growth of the soul.
Learning together
See the spiritual journey as an opportunity to learn together. Together with your child, develop a culture of exploring and discovering in which learning together is part of everyday life.
By putting these tips into practice, you can support your child in navigating the challenges of the (de)construction of faith and developing an authentic and fulfilling faith.
English version: September 2026
