Resolving conflict takes practice

And yet arguing is something completely normal, and important. Even though we were often told as kids not to argue, arguing is sometimes necessary: to make my position clear, to show who I am, to stand up for something that matters to me, etc.

Arguing well takes practice. Every family has arguments. So does every relationship, and so do groups in society and even countries. Anyone who looks at the current debates in our society might get the idea that the people arguing aren’t trying to find a good solution at all, but see each other as enemies, and that this is why the arguments so often escalate.

Especially in the current situation, there’s so much bad arguing going on that a few more people who know how to argue properly wouldn’t hurt. Then maybe there’d be less escalation here and less whining there, and in the end even some results. Wouldn’t that be something?

In the end, though, it’s no wonder that things go wrong now and then when we argue: arguing is quite an art.

So here are a few tips for arguing really well. With your mom, your friend, your teacher and anyone else you’ve always wanted to cross swords with, as the saying goes:

The ultimate tips for a fair fight

Before the argument: cool down and reflect

  1. Plan ahead. Sure, you can’t always plan an argument, but whenever you can, do it! That gives everyone involved time to let their anger or whatever cool down, to think through their arguments, etc. Above all, you can choose a calm place and a time when you aren’t stressed and won’t be disturbed. That helps enormously.
  2. Get clear: What do I actually want to achieve? Do I want the other person to understand something specific, change a behavior or … do I just want to let off some steam and have no idea where that should lead? Only when you’re clear about what exactly this is about can there be a solution at the end of the argument.
  3. Similar, but different: Get clear: What is the real problem this is about? Are you really arguing about the trash not being taken out, or is it actually about something else? For example, that your mom is disappointed because you promised her, or … Only those who know a problem can solve it.
  4. What attitude am I going into this argument with? Do I see the other person as an opponent, an enemy I have to defeat? Then it’s going to be an ugly fight. Or can I see the other person as an ally, someone I’m looking for a solution with? That will be a completely different argument.
  5. And once more, my attitude: Do I see the other person as the guilty one? The one who messed up, who makes me angry? Or can I at least see the possibility that I could be (partly) to blame? That my feelings are my responsibility too, and that maybe I could also feel differently (that is, not angry, hurt, etc.)?
Whoever is angry often burns in one day the wood they gathered over many years. (Chinese proverb)

During the argument: authentic and fair

  1. Be authentic. If something bothers you, let it out. Even a little louder and with you-statements. After that, though, things should continue calmly and with a focus on solutions.
  2. Don’t hurt anyone. An argument is never about power, dominating, being right, etc., but always about clarifying and solving a problem. So don’t let your anger, hurt feelings, etc. drive you; instead, think and speak with the goal in mind.
  3. State clearly what bothers you or what you’d like, etc., and be specific and refer to a current incident. Always criticize the specific action (“It bothered me that you didn’t take out the trash”), but never criticize the other person’s personality (“You’re so unreliable”).
  4. Use I-statements. The more, the better. Not “You did this and that,” but “I’m upset about …” That helps the other person not to feel attacked and to understand how you’re feeling and what matters to you.
  5. No insults, sarcasm or irony. They get you exactly nowhere in an argument. They only hurt and don’t contribute to a solution in the slightest. So skip them.
  6. Stay objective. Otherwise you can quickly end up in a downward spiral where you and the other person keep putting each other down more and more. Anyone who in the end can no longer respect the other person not only won’t reach a solution, but puts the whole relationship at risk.
Fairness is the art of getting in each other’s hair without ruining the hairdo. (Gerhard Bronner)

The goal: compromises and only winners

  1. Never generalize. Words like “always” or “never” usually trigger pushback, protest and counteraccusations right away in an argument.
  2. Really listen. That’s a pretty good idea for conversations in general, but even more so in an argument. We’ll only find a solution to the problem if we understand each other and can follow the other person’s situation and arguments.
  3. Be conciliatory and willing to compromise. That means being seriously willing to respect other points of view and, if necessary, to change your own opinion. So acknowledge the other person’s valid arguments, admit they’re right and affirm good ideas. Not easy, but necessary for a constructive result.
  4. Learn to forgive. Those who forgive can let the past rest and become open to a shared future in which things go better and trust is possible.
  5. Everyone wins. A fair and constructive argument ends with both people feeling understood and having built a solution together that they can live with.
  6. Compromises are your friend. It isn’t even necessary to reach a final result right away. The solution can also be to agree on a compromise, try it out and, after a while, check whether it holds up. That also keeps you in regular conversation with the other person. Pretty much the best insurance against (unnecessary) arguments.
  7. Call it off when it’s not getting you anywhere. Sometimes, with the best will in the world, you just don’t get any further. The argument gets stuck, you go around in circles, explain the same thing for the third time. Or the other person simply isn’t willing to stick to the ground rules for a fair and constructive argument … Then you need a break. And anyone who keeps reaching this point may have to part ways with the other person, because agreement isn’t possible.
Whoever would foster love covers over an offense, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends. (The Bible, Proverbs 17:9 NIV)
So let’s agree to disagree. (Dr. Gregory House, paraphrased)

Arguing well is no small thing

It’s not that easy to argue fairly and with a focus on solutions.

You probably won’t be able to think of every point and take it to heart on the spot in your next argument. Don’t stress about it. Once again, the journey is the destination. Keep at it, apologize when necessary. And argue a little better next time.

Unless otherwise indicated, Scripture quotations are taken from The Holy Bible, New International Version® NIV®, Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc. Used with permission. All rights reserved worldwide.