Tabea Lunghamer always wanted to be a mom. But then everything turned out differently. In this article, she shares her journey as a mom between dream and reality:
Being a mom: that’s what I always wanted.
I had a clear picture in my mind: happy children, a lovingly decorated home, deep conversations at the dinner table and lots of small, beautiful family moments. I was full of anticipation when I finally got pregnant. The vision of a harmonious family was firmly anchored in my heart, until I landed right in the middle of reality.
The birth of my first daughter went completely differently than I had hoped: induced, long, draining. I was so exhausted that I can hardly remember the first moments with my baby.
All I remember is that when I held her in my arms for the first time, I said: “Sorry, you’re going to stay an only child.”
That’s how overwhelmed I was.
The next months were marked by sleeplessness, endless crying and the feeling of being pushed completely to my limits. The infamous “three-month colic” lasted half a year for us. I felt helpless, exhausted, overwhelmed. I was disappointed, not in my child, but in myself. I didn’t live up at all to the picture I had of myself as a mother: patient, loving, strong. Instead, I cried a lot, and sometimes it was my own sobbing that woke my husband at night, not our daughter’s.
I had so much experience with children. As the oldest of six siblings, as a longtime volunteer in children’s and youth ministry, as a committed leader of children’s groups and camps. I really thought: I’m prepared. I know how parenting works. And then I became a mother, and suddenly nothing was clear anymore.
The pain of my reality not matching my expectations was great. But it was in exactly this pain that God met me. And that changed my life.
I remember a very special moment with my daughter. She was four years old, we had spent two hours cleaning up her room, and she said earnestly: “Mom, I promise you, from now on I’ll clean up by myself every evening.”
I looked at her with affection, because I knew she honestly meant it, and I thought: Oh, sweetheart, I would never ask that promise of you, because I know you better and know that you want to but can’t keep it, and you don’t have to. What I said was: “You don’t have to. We’ll keep getting it done together.”
Suddenly it was like a change of scene in my head, and I saw God looking at me lovingly and saying to me: “Oh, Tabea, I know you better than you know yourself, too, and I expect less of you than you demand of yourself. You’re allowed to simply be. We’ll get it done together.”
This realization touched my heart deeply. Not because I hadn’t “known” it before, but because it suddenly reached my innermost being. I began to see myself with different eyes: through God’s loving gaze. And that changed everything.
Disappointment as an opportunity
Over the years, I’ve thought a lot about the word disappointment. Did you know that in German, the word for it, Enttäuschung, originally wasn’t meant negatively at all?
At its root, Ent-täuschung meant being torn out of a Täuschung, a deception.
I find that remarkable. Because it means that a disappointment can help us get closer to the truth. It exposes false ideas we have about ourselves, about others, about life, about God, and allows us to see things in a new way.
My ideas about being a mother were a kind of illusion. Not completely wrong, but incomplete. I’ve learned that family can’t be planned. That being a parent doesn’t mean having everything under control. And that my worth doesn’t depend on how “well” I function. With God’s help, I was able to learn to have more realistic, more loving expectations of myself and others.
Today I’m a mom of three. Our kids still push me to my limits, but they also show me how much I can grow. I can now say: being a mom is the most challenging thing I’ve ever experienced, but also the most beautiful.
And I know: I’m not the only one who has been through this.
How can you take your first steps out of disappointment and into a more self-determined, more loving family life?
Here are a few first ideas that can help you:
1. Reflect on your expectations intentionally
What expectations are you carrying around: of yourself, of your child, of everyday family life? Which of them are really yours? Which come from outside: from society, from family, from old beliefs?
Take time, in conversation with God (or with yourself), to find out what really fits you and your child.
2. Don’t go it alone
Look for honest conversations with other parents. You’ll find that many have similar thoughts, worries and longings. That alone can be a relief and an encouragement.
3. Go looking for new ideas
Books, podcasts, parenting courses or online conferences can help you discover new perspectives and inspire you, step by step.
4. Recognize: you’re allowed to take new paths
You don’t have to do everything perfectly. It’s not about being “the best” mom or “the calmest” dad. It’s about finding your way: one that feels right for you and your child.
Encouragement for you
Maybe you recognize yourself in my story. Maybe you’ve also experienced your family life not going the way you dreamed it would. Maybe you’re disappointed: in others, in life, in yourself.
Then I want to invite you: Don’t let disappointment have the last word. It can be the beginning of a new, true way of seeing things, and the start of a path that makes you stronger.
I hope with all my heart that you, too, will experience how disappointment can lead to new clarity, and how encouragement can change your family life.
