Have you ever caught yourself unconsciously becoming the “gravedigger” of your own relationships?
“Yes, you borrowed it and never gave it back.” I’m sitting at the table with two teens, siblings, and hearing this accusation. My thoughts are racing. I can’t remember a thing. Two years ago, I supposedly borrowed a game and never returned it. For the siblings it’s settled: the game can’t be found at home, and they remember that I borrowed it once. The conclusion is obvious: I didn’t return it. In my head, on the other hand, there is a blank: I can’t remember anything. Normally I always return what I borrow, and I keep borrowed things in specific places. The game in question is neither there nor anywhere else in my apartment. And I don’t lend things on to others. My conclusion: either I never borrowed it, or I returned it and they can’t remember. The stage seems set for an unsolvable conflict. How did it come to this? How could we have prevented it?
The nature of memory
A key feature of human memory is that it is reconstructive, not purely reproductive. That means memories aren’t played back like a video. Every time we remember something, the memory is actively reconstructed.
This process of reconstruction can lead to information being added or changed, based on later experiences, knowledge, or even the way questions are asked.
A classic example of how changeable memory is comes from the study by Loftus and Palmer (1974). It illustrates two central points about the reliability of our memories: the influence of suggestive questions and the factor of time. First, the study shows how the wording of questions can significantly change the memory of an event. Second, it points out that memories lose accuracy over time (already within a week) and become more susceptible to suggestive information.
In addition, research suggests that forgetting is an active process of the brain that serves to optimize decision-making rather than to store information indefinitely. In that sense, forgetting most of our experiences can actually help us learn important lessons, as the brain focuses on relevant information and loses less important details over time.
These findings underline how important it is to deal critically with our own memories and the memories of others, especially in resolving conflicts, where accuracy in reconstructing events is crucial.
Back to our opening story: the problem in the situation described is that it is too far in the past to be reconstructed precisely. Since two people were sitting in front of me who seemed to share the same memory, I decided to treat my missing memory and my usual behavior as unhelpful in this situation: “I don’t remember borrowing the game, but I’m sorry that I borrowed it and didn’t give it back. Since I have no idea where the game is, I’ll make sure you get a new one.” And that’s what I did. I ordered the game and handed it over at the next opportunity.
Conflict avoidance: the road to burying relationships
If only it were always that “easy.” The challenge is that we humans tend to avoid conflict. Some more, some less. But when we avoid conflicts, we don’t really get out of their way; we just give them time to dig in deeper. Welcome to the direct road to burying our relationships!
If we become aware that every time we avoid a conflict, we are deciding to kill the relationship, we may be more likely to decide to resolve the conflict immediately, before it starts to bury our relationship.
With every “Oh, I’ll sort that out later” or “It’s not that bad” or “I don’t want to talk about it,” we dig another shovelful of our relationship’s grave.
The same goes for other people’s relationships. I help a person bury their relationship by making myself available as a trash can for their frustration. If I’m really committed to helping bury that relationship, I even reinforce the person’s frustration by verbally acknowledging their complaints as justified. Am I aware that we are talking about one person’s memories here? How old is the memory? How long has the person been carrying this memory around? And what memories does the other party have?
Some painful experiences in recent months have encouraged me to get rid of my trash can, the one people like to throw things into. By that I don’t mean that I no longer listen to them. I certainly do. But I ask them why they are telling me something. If it’s only about venting frustration, I’m the wrong person to come to. If they want advice, I’m happy to give it, and I’ll follow up later to see how putting it into practice went. Because we tend to be conflict-shy, it takes courage to take active steps toward resolving conflict. It takes courage for me too. That’s why it’s so important to have encouragers and advocates who keep nudging us.
Because I don’t want to dig a grave for any relationship, neither my own nor other people’s, I have buried the words of Jesus and Paul deep in my heart. They help me be an encourager and advocate. They also help me personally to be more alert. Does that mean I now do everything right? No! I’m a learner, and I get to experience how changes in my perspective and approach support processes toward healing relationships.
Active conflict resolution: Jesus and Paul as role models
“If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector. Truly I tell you, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven. Again, truly I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.” (Jesus in Matthew 18:15-20)
“In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. Anyone who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with their own hands, that they may have something to share with those in need. Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. (Paul in Ephesians 4:26-32)
Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong. Do everything in love. (Paul in 1 Corinthians 16:13-14)
If we follow the advice of Paul and Jesus, we will experience deeper relationships and also freedom in relationships. Paul’s advice not to let the sun go down on our anger calls us not to wait to resolve conflicts. Our memories are still fresh. If we wait, we give the devil room to misuse our memories for his purposes, to stir up discord. Not only does it get harder to reconstruct situations, but the unresolved conflict also digs itself deeper into our hearts.
So if we act right away and immediately try to resolve the conflict, we can follow Jesus’ advice. We talk to the person concerned. If they won’t engage, we bring in another person, and so on. What’s decisive here is courage and love. If we don’t let love guide us, we get tossed back and forth by our feelings. Have you ever been in a storm? The wind blows so hard it almost knocks you over. Within seconds you’re soaked through. The raindrops pelt your face and feel like little hailstones. Having a conversation in a storm like that would be very difficult. It’s similar when our stirred-up feelings determine our conversation and we’re tossed back and forth by them.
But we can’t simply switch off our feelings. So how can we let love guide us? I believe this is only possible when our identity is firmly anchored in Jesus, when we are sure of his unconditional love and extend that love to the person in front of us by deciding to love them.
Sometimes “loving the other person” actually means covering small sins and resolving the conflict directly with God. Some conflicts only arise because we ourselves have a problem. A plank in our own eye, so to speak. When we recognize that, we can let go more easily. Not every hurt we experience has directly to do with the person in front of us. Often something much deeper is buried there that comes to the surface through other people’s words or actions. God is then waiting for us to come to him, talk with him about it and give it to him so he can heal it. When we recognize the real cause of our hurt, we are able to choose the path that helps us resolve the conflict, either externally with the person or internally with God.
James writes in James 1:19: “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” James is calling us to the following steps. We should:
- Listen to God first.
- Let God shine his light on our hearts and show us what’s out of place. Often the next step isn’t needed anymore after that.
- Only after we have talked with God, talk with others about it, whether to get advice or to resolve the conflict with the person.
If we don’t react impulsively and let God calm our hearts, he will show us the truth about the situation, and then we know which steps to take.
Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free. (Jesus in John 8:32)
Practical steps: resolving conflicts
- Create awareness: Acknowledge that memories can be deceptive. Be aware that your memory of events may be influenced by various factors.
- Foster communication: Address conflicts proactively by communicating openly and honestly. Use “I” statements to express your feelings without attacking the other person.
- Verify information: Check the facts before drawing conclusions. Ask questions, listen and try to understand the other person’s perspective.
- Pray for the conversation: Before you seek the conversation, pray for wisdom, the right words and an open heart on both sides.
- Resolve the conflict with the relationship in mind: Consciously choose the relationship instead of letting the conflict escalate. Consider whether it is more helpful to find a solution for the sake of peace and the relationship than to insist on your version of the truth. Sometimes that means being generous even when you believe you are right. Practice forgiveness and love.
- Get support: If conflicts can’t be resolved, seek the help of neutral third parties, whether friends, church members or counselors.
English version: September 2026
