Puberty: that’s the moment when life switches from black and white to color. That’s how psychologist Dr. Lisa Damour describes it, and I think it captures the heart of this stage of life exactly. Like fireworks that light up in all their different colors and sometimes go off with a serious bang.

Teenagers experience emotional highs and lows, grow into their own identity and navigate a world full of challenges: friendships, emotions, digital media. Our job as the adults in their lives is to build bridges. To understand them. To help them experience the fireworks without letting them get out of hand.

In a conversation with Adam Grant, Lisa Damour shared some incredibly valuable insights that can help us walk alongside teenagers better. I’m picking out a few thoughts here that I hope will encourage you. The quotes below are my paraphrase of what she said in the conversation.

1. The teen crisis is real, but it’s not the whole truth

Yes, there is a mental health crisis among young people. The numbers on anxiety, stress and depression are worrying. But that is not the whole truth.

In 2024, Lisa worked with a Gallup survey that asked 10- to 18-year-olds: “Which emotions did you feel a lot of yesterday?” The result: 23% said sadness, 39% named anxiety, 45% felt stress, 91% reported enjoyment and 94% happiness.

“I think this data matters because it shows me: teenagers have highs and lows, just as they always have.” (Lisa Damour)

What does that mean for us?
Lisa stressed that we have to keep in mind that the media are stuck in certain narratives and therefore give us a distorted picture of reality. Teenagers don’t just have challenges; they also experience a great deal of joy, enthusiasm and growth. Our responsibility is to see both: to recognize the causes of mental health problems and take teens seriously in their struggles, and to celebrate their strengths with them.

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Tip: Don’t just start conversations with “How are you doing, really?” but also with “What was your highlight this week?” or “What made you laugh in the last few days?”

2. Mental health doesn’t mean “always being happy”

“Mental health doesn’t mean you always feel good. Being mentally healthy means your emotions fit the situation, and that you can regulate them well.” (Lisa Damour)

That means anxiety, sadness and stress aren’t automatically bad. They are part of life, and they are useful emotions that protect us from danger. The challenge is to handle these feelings well.

What does that mean for us?
Teenagers need to know that it’s okay to feel anxious, sad and stressed. But even more important is helping them develop strategies to deal with their feelings well. That strengthens their sense of self-efficacy.

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Tip: Talk with your teenagers about how they can regulate their emotions. Listening to music, playing sports, getting creative: there are many healthy strategies. Ask them: “What helps you when you’re not doing well?”

3. Relationships with trusted adults are a key

“The strongest factor for mental health in teenagers is a strong relationship with at least one adult.” (Lisa Damour)

This is one of the most important findings from the research. We often think it’s their friends they need. That’s true too. They need their peers. But in reality it’s often the adults who give them stability. Teachers, mentors, youth leaders: people who believe in them and are there for them.

What does that mean for us?
It doesn’t matter whether you are the “coolest person” in a teenager’s life. What matters is that you are reliable. Someone who shows interest. Someone who gives them the feeling: “I see you. I’m here for you.”

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Challenge: Which teenager have you had little personal contact with so far? Deliberately seek out a conversation. Show interest. Sometimes one person who cares is enough to change a young person’s life.

4. Sleep is underrated

“Sleep is the glue that holds us together.” (Lisa Damour)

Studies show that teenagers today sleep less on average than earlier generations, and that correlates strongly with rising mental health problems. The optimal amount of sleep for teenagers? 9 hours a night. But for good grades, 7.5 hours is often enough, which means many young people sacrifice their mental health for academic success.

What does that mean for us?
When we talk about young people’s mental health, we must not underestimate the sleep factor. Instead of just telling them “Sleep more!” we should ask: Why are they sleeping too little? Is it school stress? Phone use? Stress with friends or family?

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Tip: Talk about sleep deliberately in your group. Maybe with a challenge: “Can you manage 8 hours of sleep a night for a whole week?”

5. Social pressure

Many teenagers struggle to find their place in a group. They think they have to “belong.” But Lisa makes it clear:

“The happiest teenagers don’t have lots of friends. They have one or two close friendships.”

What does that mean for us?
We should help young people focus on quality over quantity. It’s not about being as popular as possible, but about having real, trusting relationships.

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Ask your teenagers: What makes a good friendship for you? Do you have one person you can be completely honest with?

6. Teenagers and social media: don’t ban it, but guide it wisely

“The question isn’t whether teenagers use social media, but how.” (Lisa Damour)

Lisa recommends a gradual introduction to digital media, just like with other risks (alcohol or driving, for example). Text messages only at first. Then one platform with restrictions. Then more freedom as they get older.

Example: Lisa’s daughter got an old smartphone, without a browser, without social media apps and without the ability to install apps herself. She also wasn’t allowed to use the device in her room.

What does that mean for us?
We shouldn’t just warn young people about the dangers, but teach them how to use digital media wisely.

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Ask your teenagers: Have you ever deliberately taken a break from social media? How did that feel?

7. Teenagers are everyone’s business

“It’s completely normal for teenagers to pull away from home during puberty, to tell their parents less and to confide in other adults instead: teachers, coaches, mentors, aunts, uncles. That’s why it doesn’t matter whether it’s your own child or not. We all share responsibility for the teenagers in our community and should build real, meaningful relationships with them.” (Lisa Damour)

This is about all of us. Teenagers are everyone’s business. Not just parents. Not just teachers. When teenagers pull away from home, they need bridges they can walk across so they don’t end up on a lonely island. When we approach them with an open heart, show real interest and let them know that we see them, we can make a real difference.