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In short: 36 questions in three rounds that get more personal with every round. Three to five per occasion are enough, the order matters, and you answer too. Adapted for conversations with teenagers.

I came across the 36 questions through Charles Duhigg, on Carey Nieuwhof’s podcast. In Supercommunicators, Duhigg writes about deep questions: questions that don’t ask for facts, but for what someone experiences, feels and considers important. His example is a study by Arthur Aron from 1997. Two strangers take turns asking each other 36 questions for 45 minutes, and the questions get more personal with every round. Afterward they feel closer to each other than some acquaintances do after years. The reason isn’t the list, but the principle: both open up, step by step, and neither of them stays stuck in small talk.

That is exactly what’s missing in many conversations with teenagers. We ask “How was school?” and get “Fine.” The 36 questions are a way out.

The original was written for two adults in a lab. I have adapted the questions for conversations between an adult and a teenager. I replaced six questions because they don’t fit this constellation or are too heavy for a 15-year-old; which ones, you’ll find below.

How it works

You don’t have to schedule a 45-minute session. Three to five questions on a car ride, a walk or at the kitchen table are enough, and the next ones next time. The only thing that matters is the order: round 1 first, round 3 only once trust is there. And the most important point: you answer too. If you only ask, you’re running an interrogation. If you answer yourself, you’re having a conversation. That’s the whole trick of the study. Whatever the other person says stands as it is, without judgment and without advice, unless they ask for it.

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For parents: Some questions (round 1, no. 10; round 2, nos. 11 and 12) are about you. Only ask them if you are willing to bear the answer. Then they are the most valuable ones on the list.

Round 1: Warming up

  1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, living or dead, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
  2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
  3. Before you call or approach someone, do you ever rehearse in your head what you’re going to say? Why?
  4. What would a “perfect” day look like for you, from morning to night?
  5. When did you last sing to yourself? And to someone else?
  6. Which would you rather have: a memory that never forgets anything, or a body that never gets tired?
  7. Do you have a secret hunch about what you’ll become one day?
  8. Name three things you and I appear to have in common.
  9. What in your life are you most grateful for right now?
  10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
  11. Take four minutes and tell me your life story in as much detail as possible.
  12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

Round 2: More personal

  1. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life or the future, what would you want to know?
  2. Is there something you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
  3. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life so far?
  4. What do you value most in a friendship?
  5. What is your most treasured memory?
  6. What is your most terrible memory?
  7. If you knew that you had exactly one year left to live, would you change anything about the way you are living now? Why?
  8. What does friendship mean to you?
  9. Who shows you that they like you? How can you tell?
  10. Let’s take turns sharing something we consider a positive characteristic of each other. I’ll start. Five rounds.
  11. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
  12. Who in your family can you talk to best? Who least?

Round 3: Close

  1. Make three true statements that start with “We both …”
  2. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share …”
  3. If we were going to become really close friends, what would be important for me to know about you?
  4. When did you last feel truly understood by someone? What did that person do?
  5. Tell me about an embarrassing moment in your life.
  6. When did you last cry in front of another person? And by yourself?
  7. I’ll tell you now what I like about you, very honestly, including the things people don’t usually say. Then you, if you like.
  8. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
  9. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
  10. Your house catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
  11. Who in your family matters most to you? Does that person know?
  12. Tell me about a problem that’s on your mind right now and ask me what I would do in your place. Then I’ll tell you how you come across to me when you talk about it.

What I changed from the original

Round 1, question 6 (in the original: living to 90 with the mind or the body of a 30-year-old) and question 7 (“Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?”); round 2, question 9 (“What roles do love and affection play in your life?”) and question 12 (“How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?”); round 3, question 4 (in the original a near repeat of question 7 of that round) and question 11 (“Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing?”). If you use the list among adults, take the original.

The 36 questions come from Arthur Aron et al., “The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness” (1997). The Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley has them online: ggia.berkeley.edu. Adaptation for conversations with teenagers: Andy Fronius.

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This might help you too: How Do I Get to Know My Kids? with 36 conversation starters for the whole family, and 10 Tips for Winning the Trust of Teenagers.

English version: September 2026