> ## Content Index > Fetch the complete content index at: https://thepulse.org/en/llms.txt > Use this file to discover other available public pages before exploring further. # Staying Close to Your Teen Through Puberty: A Guide to a Strong Relationship - URL: https://thepulse.org/en/staying-close-to-your-teen-through-puberty/ - Published: 2023-08-30T04:00:41.000Z - Updated: 2026-11-06T18:36:01.000Z - Description: What do you need to watch out for so that your relationship with your teenager doesn’t slide into estrangement or even rejection? There are no guarantees, of course, but the points in this article are very important so that the relationship never breaks down in the first place. - Author: Dr. Eberhard und Claudia Mühlan - Tags: Articles, #target-parents, #topic-puberty, #age-teens, #translation-pending ### Despite everything, we’ve stayed good friends… Isn’t that what all parents wish for as they watch their children grow up? To still be good friends despite all the ups and downs, the conflicts and the headstrong, sometimes dangerous paths their kids take? This friendship is put to the test above all in the teenage years! Why? Quite simply: children turn into young adults with their own ideas and plans. Accepting that and giving your child the freedom that goes with it is very hard for parents, especially when the young person’s lifestyle is very different from the parents’ dreams and expectations. What do parents need to watch out for so that their relationship with their teenager doesn’t slide into estrangement or even rejection? Of course there are no guarantees for a good relationship with your kids, but the following points are very important so that the relationship never breaks down in the first place. ![Close-up of a teenage boy in a backward cap with a serious sideways look](https://thepulse.org/en/content/images/2026/11/teenage-boy-wearing-a-cap-close-caption.jpg) What do parents need to watch out for so that their relationship with their teenager doesn’t slide into estrangement or even rejection? Photo: [Taylor Smith](https://unsplash.com/@taylor%5Fsmith?ref=thepulse.org), Unsplash ### Express trust and give age-appropriate freedom Compared with younger siblings, a teenager wants more independence and freedom. Going along with that is especially hard for parents with their first child. But [teenagers hate it](https://thepulse.org/en/what-really-annoys-teenagers-4-things-parents-should-know/) when parents simply make decisions for them without asking. They have their own plans and arrangements and want to be asked. That includes lots of little things: - announcing family activities in good time, - asking for their opinion and - letting them choose whether to take part or not, even when that’s hard. In contrast to teenagers who feel hemmed in and overly controlled, teenagers who are given enough freedom are more likely to say that they are close to their parents, like doing things with them, go to them for advice and see them as role models. Trusting your child to make the right decisions and act responsibly may be the toughest challenge for parents of young teens. How often do kids hear: “Be careful, though.” “Did you really think of everything?” “Well, let’s hope this goes well!” > Please keep in mind the phenomenon of the self-fulfilling prophecy: the attitude that teenagers can’t act responsibly does in fact produce irresponsible teenagers. On the other hand, the belief that teenagers are capable of it comes true as well! So say more often: “You’ll manage!” “I trust you with this!” or “I know you’ll act sensibly!” ### Keep a cool head in arguments! Parents are usually poorly prepared for conversations with their growing kids. Clumsy remarks and losing your temper can send a relationship with a teenager to rock bottom. Never let it get that far! In one survey, teenagers complained that their parents yell at them. Asked what they thought was their parents’ biggest mistake, more than two-thirds of those surveyed said: “Before they listen and try to understand me, they start yelling, and everything gets even worse.” ![A freckled young man in a gray sweater pressing his hands to his forehead with a tense look](https://thepulse.org/en/content/images/2026/11/young-man-in-grey-sweater.jpg) Their parents’ biggest mistake: “Before they listen and try to understand me, they start yelling, and everything gets even worse.” Photo: [Nathan Dumlao](https://unsplash.com/@nate%5Fdumlao?ref=thepulse.org), Unsplash I know, teenagers have a remarkable gift for provoking adults and driving them up the wall at the worst possible moments. But to keep a natural, warm relationship and keep talking with your child, you need to stay in control of yourself as much as possible and keep your outbursts of anger in check. After all, you’re older and more mature. I stress this so strongly because frequent overreactions hurt a relationship in several ways: - You push your child away and make it hard for them to come to you when they need to recharge their “soul battery.” - You lose respect, a very natural reaction to someone who shows no self-control. - Your child may turn to others instead, especially to the influence of their peers. ### Live sincerely, and apologize sincerely Kids have a strong sense of justice. They notice quickly when someone isn’t entirely truthful. Even if this “sense” is often sharper for others than for themselves, those who are “found out” lose respect. Stay sincere, especially when you make a mistake. Parents look ridiculous when they simply deny obvious mistakes out of pride. I once read a powerful quote: “The mistakes no family recovers from are these: arrogance, inflexibility, being closed off, stubbornness and the inability to admit you were wrong and ask for forgiveness. Parents don’t have to be perfect, but they do have to be honest and willing to change. The three hardest sentences for parents still have to be said. As short as they are, admittedly it isn’t easy to actually say them. They are: ‘I’m sorry.’ ‘I was wrong.’ ‘Please forgive me!’ How are teenagers supposed to learn to say these words if they never hear them from their parents? In the worst case, they too will cling stubbornly to their own opinions and pass this negative cycle on to the next generation.” ### Distinguish between major and minor battles It sends a chill down my spine when I watch parents try to keep their teenagers on a short leash with sarcastic or worried remarks and always find something to nag about, whether it’s friends, clothes, hairstyle or messy rooms. Comments like that can drive a teenager out of the house. Think carefully about what’s worth a fight with your teenager. In other words: distinguish between major and minor battles. If you fight over trivial things as if your life depended on it, you won’t have enough ammunition left for the really serious conflicts. ![A young woman with blue-dyed hair, a blue knit beanie and a denim jacket in front of a wall of colorful fabric ribbons](https://thepulse.org/en/content/images/2026/11/girl-with-blue-hair-wearing-a-beanie-and-jeans-jacket.jpg) Stay out of questions of fashion, allowance, hobbies and free time as much as you can. Photo: [Omid Armin](https://unsplash.com/@omidarmin?ref=thepulse.org), Unsplash Stay out of questions of fashion, allowance, hobbies and free time as much as you can. Be generous when it comes to helping out at church, and don’t watch the clock so closely when they go to Christian events. After all, you know your child is in good hands. These are the areas where a teenager should be able to really enjoy their freedom and feel grown up. Parents must never overlook this connection: > A teenager can adjust to all kinds of restrictions as long as their dignity is respected and they know they are truly loved. Teenagers rarely rebel against restrictions that make sense; they mostly rebel against bans they don’t understand, decisions they have no say in and arbitrary authority. If you’re willing to discuss the rules with your kids, listen to their objections and take them into account, they probably won’t rebel. Even if they won’t always like your decisions, they’ll still sense that you’re thinking things through and want to be fair. ### Show interest in your teenager’s life We live in hectic times. Parents often have so many worries and problems of their own that there’s little energy left to take genuine joy in their child’s life and be interested in what they do. It’s not just little kids who need it: teenagers, too, are hungry for recognition and praise! ![Two laughing teenage boys on a sports field, one carrying the other piggyback, with orange canopy tents behind them](https://thepulse.org/en/content/images/2026/11/two-teenage-boys-piggybacking-each-other-on-a-sportfield.jpg) Take time again and again to talk about their hobbies, friends and plans. Photo: [leah hetteberg](https://unsplash.com/@leahhetteberg?ref=thepulse.org), Unsplash - **Take time again and again to talk about their hobbies, friends and plans**. A child with a good hobby gets through the teenage years better than a teenager who is so bored that all they can think of is doing dumb things. - **Take an interest in their friends, too**. Ask to be introduced, chat with them and win them over. That way you can encourage good friendships and do more to prevent unhealthy ones. - **Get excited about their plans for the future**. Pay attention to their wishes and arguments, even if they seem immature or pointless to you. Only if your teenager knows they’re taken seriously will they honestly ask you for advice and listen to you. ### Live an interesting life yourself How does your child see you? Have you ever thought about it? Just as parents like to look at their kids with pride and are sometimes embarrassed by how they behave, the same goes for the kids; they want parents they can proudly show off and don’t have to be ashamed of! Unfortunately, for many adults the comfortable years of midlife begin just as their kids reach their teens. But parents who need their “peace and quiet” more and more often, spend more and more time in front of the TV and run out of ideas in other ways too aren’t exactly inspiring company for a lively teenager. Hold on to enough energy and pep for this stage of life! Teenagers like parents with some spark! It’s very reassuring for them to see that their parents are doing pretty well on their own and that every now and then you can really do something fun with them. ### Place your teenager in God’s hands That’s sometimes easier said than done, especially when you have good reason to be very worried. It’s good, then, to be able to pray and to know that God loves your child and has a plan for their life. You have to let them go anyway! Even though parents tend to want to protect their child from everything negative, there are some things kids simply have to go through. A lot of things you only learn when you feel the consequences of your own bad decisions. It’s good when teenagers have their parents’ prayers with them through this painful process. > Parents who let their teenager go like this and “surround them with prayer” are more likely to accept it when their child has completely different views and plans for their life, whether it’s career goals, a life partner or serving God. Too many teenagers leave home in anger because they don’t feel accepted and released by their parents. I hope you’ll be one of the parents who can one day say with a clear conscience: Despite everything, we’ve stayed good friends…!