> ## Content Index > Fetch the complete content index at: https://thepulse.org/en/llms.txt > Use this file to discover other available public pages before exploring further. # Identity Between Me and We (1/3) - URL: https://thepulse.org/en/identity-between-me-and-we-part-1/ - Published: 2023-02-06T13:08:06.000Z - Updated: 2026-11-06T18:35:59.000Z - Description: Developing their own identity is the defining feature of today’s 18- to 29-year-olds (New Adults). But how does identity actually develop? And what can you do to support New Adults in this process? - Author: Judith Westerheide - Tags: Articles, #target-leaders, #topic-research, #age-young-adults, #target-educators, #target-parents, #translation-pending ****Overview of the “New Adults” series** 1\. [New Adults: Somewhere Between Youth and Adulthood](https://thepulse.org/en/new-adults-somewhere-between-youth-and-adulthood/) 2\. Identity Between Me and We **(How Is Identity Formed? Part 1)* 3\. [Identity Between Options and Decisions](https://thepulse.org/en/identity-between-options-and-decisions-part-2/) **(How Is Identity Formed? Part 2)* 4\. [Identity Between Being and Change](https://thepulse.org/en/identity-between-being-and-change-part-3/) **(How Is Identity Formed? Part 3)* 5\. [New Adults and the Good News: Points of Connection](https://thepulse.org/en/identity-the-really-good-news/) “It is \[…\] required at the same time to be like everyone and to be like no one,”¹ writes the identity expert Lothar Krappmann, and in doing so he describes quite accurately the task and challenge of identity development, and with it the task and challenge of New Adults. ## Identity between me and we Identity develops out of what is completely individual in every person: their unique physical and psychological characteristics, the basic structure of their personality, everything they can and can’t do. At the same time, identity also develops through everything a person experiences around them: family and friends, college and church, the society and culture they find themselves in. The art, as the developmental psychologist Klaus Hurrelmann explains, is to bring the “inner” and the “outer” into harmony.² Because we humans want and need both: - We want to develop in our own individual way, the way our “inner self” makes possible. - At the same time, we want to fit into our surroundings, into the “outside”; we want to belong. And only when we bring both aspects together in a way that fits do we develop identity. Individuality (“me”) and integration (“we”) are therefore the two sides of the coin of identity development. ![Three young people sitting on a sidewalk in front of a red door: a man playing guitar, a young woman and a man in a red cap on a folding chair](https://thepulse.org/en/content/images/2026/11/zwei-maenner-und-frau-sitzen-nebeneinander-vor-dem-tor-mrj.jpeg) Photo: [Brett Sayles](https://www.pexels.com/photo/two-men-and-woman-sitting-next-to-each-other-2479312/?ref=thepulse.org), Pexels And that applies to New Adults, too: they want to fulfill their potential as individuals, and they want to belong. Both are needed, and you can fall off the horse on either side: some New Adults conform so much that they hardly stand out in a group. They don’t know what they want or what they can do, and so they don’t express it outwardly either. Other New Adults are so fixated on themselves that deep and genuine relationships with others are hardly possible. To find identity, you need both: - Seeing yourself as a unique person and being able to set yourself apart from others - Fitting into a group of people and being able to adapt a little to do so; being able to build and live out genuine relationships > When these two aspects can be lived and experienced at the same time and in balance, a person has found their identity, according to Hurrelmann. ## What it takes New Adults wrestle with their “inner” and “outer” automatically. We humans can’t do otherwise. What doesn’t happen automatically is that this process goes well. That takes resources: **1\. It takes personal resources.** Personal resources means the individual coping skills of New Adults, in other words, everything New Adults have that helps them face the demands of life and cope with them.³ These include, for example, financial and material resources, their own health, gifts and abilities, the art of expressing yourself and communicating, self-organization, coping with stress and everyday life, and the ability to find answers to the many practical questions of life (and there are a lot of those in your twenties!). ![A smiling young man in a red T-shirt, with a backpack and earphones, sitting on a bicycle on a city street](https://thepulse.org/en/content/images/2026/11/mann-mit-rotem-short-und-seinem-fahrrad-mrj.jpeg) Photo: [Andrea Piacquadio](https://www.pexels.com/photo/man-wearing-red-shirt-standing-on-bicycle-3800138/?ref=thepulse.org), Pexels **2\. It takes social resources.** Social resources means all the opportunities for social support that help New Adults deal with their “inner” and “outer” in a good way.⁴ These include, for example, their own family, churches and youth groups, friends and the media, mentors and teachers, pastors and therapists, and, if you work with New Adults, you! ## The bottom line > Identity development is always embedded in social relationships. That’s obvious when it comes to the “we.” But developing the “me” also needs one or more counterparts, because you can only set yourself apart and distinguish yourself from others if there are people you can set yourself apart and distinguish yourself from. ![Three young adults, two men and a woman, smiling as they look at laptops together](https://thepulse.org/en/content/images/2026/11/positive-multiethnische-studenten-arbeiten-zusammen-am-laptop-mrj.jpeg) Photo: [William Fortunato](https://www.pexels.com/photo/positive-multiethnic-students-working-together-on-laptops-6140697/?ref=thepulse.org), Pexels To master this process, New Adults need resources. And (this is important!) they don’t just need to have them, they also need to be able to recognize and use them!⁵ Your own abilities lead nowhere if you don’t recognize and use them. Small groups and opportunities to talk only help if New Adults actually accept this support. > New Adults don’t just need resources, they also need to be able to recognize and use them! ## How can you support New Adults in their search for identity? - You can help New Adults discover their personal resources. Spiritual gifts tests and personality tests can help, or questions for “taking stock”: What challenges have you already mastered? What experiences have you had with God? In what areas of your life do you feel especially blessed? What do you like about yourself? And so on. - You can create spaces that make real encounters possible. Group activities with an educational focus can also build social and communication skills. - You can ask around about what support New Adults need in their completely normal everyday lives: that can be anything from “What insurance do I need?” to “How can I switch off from all this stress?” to “How do I find a partner?” - Mentoring and other opportunities for conversation and support are always a good idea! :) --- ¹ Krappmann, Lothar (1982: 78): Soziologische Dimensionen der Identität. Strukturelle Bedingungen für die Teilnahme an Interaktionsprozessen, 6th ed. (first published 1969), Stuttgart: Ernst Klett (in German). ² The principle explained here in a nutshell is based on the book: Hurrelmann, Klaus; Bauer, Ullrich (2020): Einführung in die Sozialisationstheorie. Das Modell der produktiven Realitätsverarbeitung, 13th ed., Weinheim-Basel: Beltz Verlag (in German). ³ See Hurrelmann, Klaus (2012: 93): Jugendliche als produktive Realitätsverarbeiter: zur Neuausgabe des Buches “Lebensphase Jugend.” Diskurs Kindheits- und Jugendforschung / Discourse. Journal of Childhood and Adolescence Research, vol. 7 (1), pp. 89-100 (in German). ⁴ See Hurrelmann, Klaus (2012: 93): Jugendliche als produktive Realitätsverarbeiter: zur Neuausgabe des Buches “Lebensphase Jugend.” Diskurs Kindheits- und Jugendforschung / Discourse. Journal of Childhood and Adolescence Research, vol. 7 (1), pp. 89-100\. And: Hurrelmann, Klaus; Bauer, Ullrich; Grendel, Tanja (2019: 44): Sozialisation als produktive Realitätsverarbeitung (Klaus Hurrelmann), in: Grendel, Tanja (ed.): Sozialisation und Soziale Arbeit. Studienbuch zu Theorie, Empirie und Praxis, Wiesbaden: Springer VS, pp. 39-50 (both in German). ⁵ See Hurrelmann, Klaus; Bauer, Ullrich (2020: 97): Einführung in die Sozialisationstheorie. Das Modell der produktiven Realitätsverarbeitung, 13th ed., Weinheim-Basel: Beltz Verlag. And: Keupp, Heiner; Ahbe, Thomas; Gmür, Wolfgang; Höfer, Renate; Mitzscherlich, Beate; Kraus, Wolfgang; Straus, Florian (2008: 198): Identitätskonstruktionen. Das Patchwork der Identitäten in der Spätmoderne, 4th ed., Reinbek bei Hamburg: Rowohlt Taschenbuch Verlag (both in German). 💡 ****New Adults** In his theory, Jeffrey J. Arnett speaks of “emerging adults,” meaning 18- to 29-year-olds. I mean them too, but I call them “New Adults,” a term that already exists in the German-speaking world as a book genre for this very age group. I deliberately use the term “New Adults” to set them apart from the many role expectations hidden behind the term “young adults” (see [here](https://thepulse.org/en/new-adults-somewhere-between-youth-and-adulthood/)). Old term, old expectations. New term, new opportunities!