> ## Content Index > Fetch the complete content index at: https://thepulse.org/en/llms.txt > Use this file to discover other available public pages before exploring further. # How Do I Get to Know My Kids? - URL: https://thepulse.org/en/how-do-i-get-to-know-my-kids/ - Published: 2024-05-15T10:01:57.000Z - Updated: 2026-10-20T13:21:53.000Z - Description: What the “vulnerability loop” has to do with good relationships, and how “Now you’re really going to get to know me!” can work in a positive way. Plus conversation starters and ideas for doing things together. - Author: Priscilla Alvarez - Tags: Articles, #target-parents, #target-leaders, #topic-relationships, #age-children, #age-teens, #context-home Do you know the feeling? In everyday life we parents just drift along, muddling through with the kids from one day to the next and hoping for the weekend. The weekend, in turn, is too short and too full to really catch our breath, let alone truly enjoy life with the kids. So we hope for vacation, knowing full well that life and relationship happen here and now, not sometime later. Every now and then I come across ideas and inspiration that make it easier for me to nurture the relationship with my kids in the here and now. Read on and try this stuff out. Recently I was talking with my daughter’s friend about homework. I mentioned that I was against homework. If I were in politics, I would work to abolish it. The girl replied that going into politics was the right thing to do, and she said it with such determination, as if her own political career lay clearly ahead of her. I was stunned. This nine-year-old surprised me. She was thinking about a lot of things. And she gave me a fresh desire to get into conversation with my own kids and learn more about them. “Now you’re really going to get to know me” used to be an adult’s way of announcing a scolding. Today we turn the tables and really get to know each other! ## The vulnerability loop [Fabian Grolimund and Stefanie Rietzler](https://www.mit-kindern-lernen.ch/?ref=thepulse.org), two inspiring education authors from Switzerland, explored the question of how relationships gain quality and depth. They came to an astonishingly simple answer: “By making ourselves vulnerable and sharing personal things with each other.” ❤️ ****How do relationships gain quality and depth?** “By making ourselves vulnerable and sharing personal things with each other.” The German kids’ hit “Erzähl mal” (“Tell me”) by the band Deine Freunde shows how our parent-child conversations usually go: How are you? Fine. What did you do? Nothing. How was lunch? Fine. But it can be different. The more we depart from this all-too-familiar question-and-answer game with our kids, the more we give each other the chance to get a real glimpse into our lives, our feelings, our thoughts and our values. Why do we do that so rarely? Well, because every time we open up, we make ourselves vulnerable to the other person’s comments, (unnecessary) tips and tricks, judgments, disgust … or to encouragement, understanding, the other person opening up in turn, a new connectedness, mutual support, a deeper relationship. Grolimund and Rietzler refer to [Dr. Jeff Polzer](https://www.hbs.edu/faculty/Pages/profile.aspx?facId=6627&ref=thepulse.org) of Harvard University, who calls this kind of departure from the usual small talk the “vulnerability loop.” Through this spiral, you can become more and more personal with each other, or superficial again. Grolimund and Rietzler sum it up: > “That means: the trust we long for in close relationships is built by making ourselves vulnerable.” Which brings us back to Jesus, who spent his life on earth trying to bring the upside-down rules of heaven down to earth. Because instead of waiting for others to make life easy for us, he called for generosity: “[Give, and it will be given to you](https://www.bible.com/bible/111/LUK.6.38.NIV?ref=thepulse.org).” In conversations, too, someone has to start with the giving. Do I bring myself into the conversations with my kids? Are my ears free to really listen to them? Am I ready to dive into their world and share my own with them? If time and nerves are in short supply in a packed daily life, you can also set a reminder for “quality time” so it doesn’t get forgotten. No pressure here, no. ;-) 💡 ****About the vulnerability loop:** The “vulnerability loop” is like a spiral that helps us build trust in close relationships by letting ourselves be vulnerable with each other. ![A mother between two children on a wooden bench](https://images.unsplash.com/photo-1516050327434-9d06ea9bfae8?crop=entropy&cs=tinysrgb&fit=max&fm=jpg&ixid=M3wxMTc3M3wwfDF8c2VhcmNofDl8fG1vdGhlciUyMHRlZW5hZ2VyfGVufDB8fHx8MTcxNTM3Mzk0Nnww&ixlib=rb-4.0.3&q=80&w=2000) Photo: [Benjamin Manley](https://unsplash.com/@benjaminmanley?ref=thepulse.org) / [Unsplash](https://unsplash.com/?utm%5Fsource=ghost&utm%5Fmedium=referral&utm%5Fcampaign=api-credit) ## Starting the conversation Below we’ve listed some questions you can use as conversation starters. They’re taken from [Fabian Grolimund and Stefanie Rietzler](https://www.mit-kindern-lernen.ch/?ref=thepulse.org) and [learnlearning.withcaroline](https://www.learnlearningwithcaroline.com/?ref=thepulse.org) and supplemented with our own. Apparently questions like these also exist as ready-made card decks. I started asking my kids these questions on boring bus and train rides, and answering them myself too. They love it! - Suppose you found a magic lamp and had three wishes: what would they be? - Tell me two things that really happened and one you just made up. And I have to guess which is true. - What are you most interested in right now? - What’s the funniest thing that happened to you today? Why? - Which adult do you think is really cool? - What makes you truly happy? - When do you feel especially loved by me? - What scares you (when you think about the future)? - Which things adults say annoy you the most? What should they say instead? - Tell me three things you like about yourself. - If you could turn into a vehicle, which vehicle would you be? - What was your last prayer? - What’s your best vacation memory? - What are you grateful for in your life? - What’s the nicest compliment you’ve ever received? - What makes you proud? - What was the last thing that made you really laugh? - Tell me three things you’re good at and three things I’m good at. - What would you do if you weren’t afraid? What have you wanted to dare to do for a long time but can’t bring yourself to? - How would you change your school if you were the principal? - What does a perfect day look like for you? - Which character from a movie or a book would you like to meet? What would you ask them? - If you could change one single thing about your life, what would it be? - Would you like to be famous? For what? - Do you have a favorite joke? If so, which one? - Suppose you could look into the future: what would you like to know? - When did you feel really ashamed? What was a truly embarrassing moment for you? - Is there something you’d like to know about me or my life but have never dared to ask? - If you had $10,000 to give away, who would you give it to? - Which book characters do you find fascinating, and why? - Suppose you could get a superpower overnight. Which one would you want? - Which Bible story impresses you most right now? - What’s your best memory of last summer? - What would you like to be allowed to do? - What can kids do better than adults? - Is there something I could do differently to be a better mom or dad to you? ## Doing things together How else can I get to know my child? And how can my child get to know me? By taking them along to my appointments, into my life. And by being present in their life again and again. Whether at my child’s sports or music events, through volunteering at their school, through drop-offs and pick-ups and the conversations on the way, or in specially created moments like marshmallows around the campfire. When we watch each other move through different contexts, we grow more interested in each other, and the conversation-starting questions tumble out of us all by themselves. Doing things together for others is especially exciting. That can be a **low-key activity**, simply dragging our kids along to one of our grown-up appointments. I was recently impressed by a choir director who had to sit throughout the entire concert so she wouldn’t block the audience’s view, but shared her chair with her six-year-old son to give him the chance to be in the front row and experience his mom live. It can also be a **high-key activity**, like creating an event together. You’re preaching at your church? Work out a few points together with your child and give them some speaking time. Or let them take the lead in putting together Christmas packages for kids in need as a family. Or you go on an outreach with your group together and let your child film it. You’ll get to know your child and their inner world better, and vice versa. *Let us know how and where you got to know your child better. Did you play certain games? Do you know great questions that help you get acquainted? Was there a key moment in your relationship? Feel free to leave a comment.* *English version: September 2026* ![](https://thepulse.org/en/content/images/2026/09/Signup-1.jpg) ## Stay on the pulse. Pulse in English has just begun: ready-made material for youth leaders, parents and educators, free. We let you know when something new is out. Count me in Almost done: check your inbox and confirm the link. No spam. Unsubscribe anytime.