> ## Content Index > Fetch the complete content index at: https://thepulse.org/en/llms.txt > Use this file to discover other available public pages before exploring further. # Guilt and Forgiveness: Why Am I Not Who I Want to Be? - URL: https://thepulse.org/en/guilt-and-forgiveness-why-am-i-not-who-i-want-to-be/ - Published: 2020-08-01T13:34:21.000Z - Updated: 2026-11-06T18:35:57.000Z - Description: I believe that deep down, every person longs to be loved. - Author: Heiko Metz - Tags: Articles, #target-leaders, #topic-self-care, #translation-pending ## The crisis is a spotlight And it’s shining right on me. Surely on other people and other things too, but it’s in me that I notice it most. Things in my life that weren’t going smoothly even before really come to light in the crisis, or at least become clearer. > “Character proves itself in a crisis.” (Helmut Schmidt, former West German chancellor) **For example:** Even before COVID, there was a lot of stress in our family, along with intense emotions we hadn’t really processed, from life-or-death surgeries on Son 02 a year ago. In the crisis, we’re at times so stressed that we’re barely able to treat each other decently, or simply so wiped out that nothing works anymore apart from (sur)viving. Then, when I think back over the day in the evening, I’m shocked at myself, at how insensitive, selfish, impatient, mean and so on I was. But even apart from the crisis, I sometimes find myself shocked at myself. - How often do I begrudge others their success or run down their achievements to make myself look better, and so on? - How often do I use (white) lies to cover up my own forgetfulness, failures and so on? - How often do I simply not care about others who are worse off than I am? - How often am I dissatisfied with my life, even though I have it better than most people in the world? - How quickly am I ready to laugh at people or look away when they’re being bullied or insulted? - How often do I fail to give others the good I owe them? When I discover this in myself, it’s always enough to shock me. I don’t want to be like this. Unfortunately, it often feels like it doesn’t help much when I try to behave differently. Again and again, I end up doing the same stupid stuff. Sometimes that’s enough to drive me to despair. ## Why are we not who we want to be? I believe that deep down, every person longs to be loved. Just like that. Because they exist. Without having to earn it first, without conditions or fine print. We absolutely need to be loved. We can’t live without it. We need to know that we’re okay. That we can be loved just as we are. The trouble is, no one can really love us that wonderfully, perfectly and forgivingly. No human being can ultimately satisfy our need for love, and certainly no animal or material thing. Because people are just people. With their own needs and flaws. People pretty much can’t help it. They will always disappoint or hurt us somehow if they’re supposed to completely satisfy our longing for love. In the end, only one can fully meet our longing for love: God. So if I expect my friend or my partner to satisfy my deepest longing, I’m asking them to be God. And that is bound to go wrong. I’ll (a) be disappointed, and (b) I’ll expect too much of the other person and hurt them in the process. As tragic as it sounds, that’s how we go through the world. Full of a deep longing for love that we demand from others, who can’t give it to us completely, and so we keep hurting others and getting hurt by others. An unbelievable number of relationships break apart over this… and people do too. Sad business, that. ## And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors This line in the [Lord’s Prayer](https://www.bible.com/bible/111/MAT.6.9-13.NIV?ref=thepulse.org) comes across so unassumingly, but it packs a punch! Because this is about the key, the solution to our dilemma. If I want to get out of the cycle of hurting and being hurt, of disappointing and being disappointed, it takes forgiveness. We keep becoming debtors to one another, because we can’t give each other the good things, can’t give each other the love we need. That’s why we need the forgiveness of everyone we disappoint and hurt. Everyone we wrong. And just as much, we need to forgive all the others who have disappointed and hurt us. Who have wronged us. > “You may have to declare your forgiveness a hundred times the first day and the second day, but the third day will be less and each day after, until one day you will realize that you have forgiven completely. And then one day you will pray for his wholeness and give him over to me so that my love will burn from his life every vestige of corruption.” (William Paul Young, *The Shack*) Forgiveness enables us to deal with one another as human beings. As equals. Anyone who knows and lives out that they have to forgive the person in front of them and need forgiveness from them can see the other as they are. Can see how great, beautiful, talented and valuable they are. And can celebrate the other for it. This way, and probably only this way, can we live together. As forgivers who need forgiveness ourselves. In a crisis, that applies at least twice as much. > “The practice of forgiveness is our most important contribution to the healing of the world.” (Marianne Williamson) Beyond that, we need one more thing: God’s forgiveness. Above all for the fact that we don’t let him love us so fully and so lastingly that our deepest longing is satisfied. As people who are deeply loved, we wouldn’t need to expect others to love us like God. And we could love them and forgive them much more joyfully and generously. That’s why: God, give me your love. I need it. Without it, I can’t really live. Forgive me where I don’t accept this gift and so disappoint and hurt others and end up disappointed and hurt myself. How wonderful it would be if forgiveness became reality everywhere I go. Could you arrange that, God? Thank you. 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